Thursday, December 18, 2008

Best. Spam. Ever.

So I get back from my backbreaking day at the office.  (Oh that daily grind.)  I was checking my non-work email on my computer and decided to clean out the spam folder.  Right after deleting the likes of this:

"amongst the prisoners. Willow hit him with her spoon. Ben Big Mouth. Theres food. You should be eating it, not

The Charming Cheap Tabs

though Falyse simpered and Balman preened from soup to sweet. It was past midnight before she A woman. He moved closer. And beautiful. at Castle Black, So your mother believes"

That's literally all that it said.  Somehow, it makes perfect sense.  Didn't click the link and I don't ever plan on doing so.  This isn't the good one though.  

I went to delete this next one as it was clearly just another "Hey I have shit tons of money in a bank and I need every bit of information about you for some reason but I swear I'll compensate you (wink)" type of email.  But then the first few lines caught my eye and I could tell this wasn't just the run of the email African mass email scam.  What ensued in the next few paragraphs, while clearly a fabrication for the purpose of the rest of these emails, was one of the best stories I've read in a while.  These people have put in some great work to this stuff.  It's like they have Irvine Welsh over there typing out spam from an overcrowded internet cafe in the Ivory Coast.  I've even given it a title.  So without further delay The Disco Vietnam is proud to present the world premier publication of...Farmers, Prostitutes and a Briefcase.  (I didn't go through and edit it at all.  Gives it more character)

Dearest,I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart.My name is Miss. Mercy David Steven, accountancy student in the university, my late father David Stevens was a farmer in the country and he was shot dead in an incident east of the capital, Harare. My father was killed during an incident involving a group of farmers who responded to a radio distress call from a neighbor in the Virginia Macheke district. My late father and another farmer were chased and shot at before taking refuge in a local police station and i was left alone with the twins my mother delivered before her death.The protesters came also to our house and destroyed everything, but i escaped with the twins and the briefcase that my father entrusted to me before his death, i went to my grand mother and stayed for while because of my studies, but life was very hard for me, it came to a point that students went into prostitution to pay for school fees and to feed. When i opened the briefcase and found out the documents that my late father have deposited some mount of money which i am the next of kin in a bank in Burkina Faso, I traveled there to withdraw the money for a better life for me and for my twins brothers, when i get there i found out that my late father instructed the bank that i will withdraw the money when i am married, or with a trustee that will stand on my behalf.

That's good stuff.  Really good stuff.  I like when the twins wanted a better life.  Hilarious.  It went on from there with the more generic stuff about being sincere and just needing some help.  Goes to show there might be a job for me in Africa that doesn't involve guns and boats and stealing other boats of the Somalian coast after all.  

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